I was ranting to my brother tonight about religious people who say “Oh yes, I had questions like yours a few years ago, but I finally came to the point where I just had to say “God, I’m believing in you. I know you’ll show me the truth.” and ever since then I’ve just KNOWN he’s real.” Or something similar to that. The other night I was chatting with an acquaintance and my unbelief came up. He had wanted me to pray about playing violin on a worship team he was organizing for some event. I said I wasn’t the kind of person he’d want on the team, so naturally he wanted to know why and I told him. After sharing a few of the questions that lead me to where I am today in my current state of uncertainty and unbelief, he said something like the above-mentioned annoying anecdote. To be fair, he was very nice about everything and the conversation remained congenial.
On Facebook, a friend posted a status about his recent deconversion, and I noticed a comment someone left that ran along the same lines as that of my acquaintance. Again, the comment was far from harsh or condemning, just an “I’ve been where you are, but I still believe.”
I am not going to argue that the believers who say they’ve been where I am and have questioned the things I question are lying or mistaken. I cannot say that they haven’t questioned things like I am. It offends me when Christians claim I never really believed, because I know for almost my entire life I DID believe completely and passionately and based my identity in my belief in God and my faith in the Bible. I have no intention of doing that in return. The thing that bothers me is the suggestion or implication that I should stifle my questions, turn to this god I am not sure even exists and say “God, I have these questions, but I’m going to put them aside now and believe that you are real.”
Perhaps I am just too far gone now.
For twenty-odd years I believed whole-heartedly that the God of Abraham was real and good and that the Bible was absolute truth and infallible. I believed Christianity was the one true religion. That therein lay truth and any who seek for truth would eventually find their way there and to God. I believed it unquestioningly. But no more.
I owe it to myself to find answers to my questions.